I am the Golden Snitch...

Countdown
3 more days until my cousin/sister's big wedding. And the more and more I get excited as each day passes. There's not many things that can top the union of two people in holy matrimony. One of the ultimate acts of commitment. To pledge one's undying love for another...how sweet. Anyway, I can't wait til the wedding, seeing people I haven't seen in forever, dancing, drinking, partying the night away. If only it weren't such a dressy affair, ha ha ha...since I hate dressing up so much. But hey, this day is for HER, not me, so I can do the penguin suit for half a day... So she has 3 days til she gets married...I wonder where my countdown is currently situated...8 years? 6? who knows...but I am looking forward to it...not expecting it, not trying to push the day closer, just anticipating the moment when I WILL know where exactly the countdown is. T minus....

My mind is playing tricks on me
During a late-night phone conversation, I got the sudden urge to eat, since I didn't really eat much all day, PLUS I had already gone running. So I pull out some leftovers from LAST Sunday, about 10 days ago and asked my lil twin star if I should eat it. She said, "NO, it's your bowel movement!" And I, being the lil rebel that I am, decide to heat it up and eat it anyway. It didn't smell bad, and by nuking it for a while, wouldn't any bacteria be killed off anyway? So I eat it and end my phone conversation(a good conversation, by the way...), and lay down to go to sleep. Oh the turmoil I was to experience over the next couple hours. I was so afraid that the food MIGHT cause me to get sick I couldn't sleep for a while. I was up tossing and turning for most of the night, waiting for my stomach to start churning or something like that. I know I have a pretty strong stomach for a lot of things, but I could not get it out of my mind that I might get sick. It's all psychological I tell you...but nonetheless, from now on, no more experimenting with food that MIGHT be bad...I will eat what I KNOW is still okay. Just not worth it...trust me.

Things to do
I think I underestimated the time it would take for me to complete a list of things to do. Because the list actually increased from 7 items to 13, and giving myself only 1 day to do them? Ridiculous...I am NOT superman, nor am I, in my mom's words, "an octopus." The list ranged from mailing bills to tutoring my sister in Calc 2B. From the simple and seemingly insignificant to very important. So I've set parameters to my "to do" lists from now on:

1. Compile the list and give myself a reasonable time frame to complete every task on the list.

2. Prioritize the list as well...in terms of what should be done before others. I.e, mail bills BEFORE they are actually DUE.

3. Write DOWN the list and keep it w/ me at all times.

...and hopefully...that will cause me to be a lil more productive...HOPEFULLY.

"Hear you laughing and my soul is saved."
-Chris Cornell

I am the flowers that dance in the back of a pick up truck driving on the freeway...
-courtesy of my lil twin star (we're riding the wave today!!!)

Click, Click, Click....
Things are just clicking today. Aside from the fact that I got 2 very early phone calls this morning. However, they played an integral role in waking me up, because I just so happened to accidentally not set my alarm for this morning...so had it not been for my two blessings in disguise, I would not have gotten up and gone into work and had some delicious ham and cheese croissants...correction, croissant. And the project I'm working on at work, I just got a big heaping scoop of help from one of the guys upstairs...and no, I am not talking about HIM, I mean, literally one of the guys from upstairs, the 5th floor, ha ha ha. So things are moving for me today like a well-oiled machine. I have a lot to do today, more than usual, but I am undeterred. And if things continue to click as they have been so far...then it'll turn out to be quite a wonderific day...

The dust settles
So why am I in such a good mood today? Just because I think I'm thinking a lot more clearly today than I have been for a while. I think my mind's been clouded by some doubt or confusion as of late, or perhaps even envy and impatience, but something cleared it up on my drive around last night...Something...well...clicked. Not to mention I had a very entertaining three-hour conversation on the phone as well...which really enlightened me and well, got me for lack of a better word or words, excited.

Well, that's all he wrote for today...

"When you delight in the game, the effort seems unimportant."
-Anonymous

I am a question mark in a cartoon thought bubble...

Not really on top of things
Let's start w/ Monday, well actually that's the only day...anyway, to sum it up in one word...INEFFICIENT. I had already slept in until almost 10. So I decide that I would make a list of things to do...which totalled to 7 items. I did only 4 of them...my gosh...I'm pathetic. Anyway, the oh-so productive evening was capped of with watching the AFI lifetime achievement tribute to Tom Hanks. It was awesome...I love that guy... And I can't forget I actually ran again last night. I'm still trying to exercise at least 4 days a week...and so far...that's one.

Dreams
Remember a while back when I was talking about dreams and what possible role they play in our real, out-of-sleep lives? I still don't think they play a significatn role in our lives except that these are random thoughts in your brain lived out in a mini-movie that occurs in your head every night. But it would be funny if in fact they did mean something. Because I have been having the most incredibly strange dreams lately. Dreams about people I haven't even thought about for over 4 years? Cars I don't have...washing them, people taking them telling me I already told them they could borrow it? Dreams about being w/ girls I don't even know? Dreams about things "getting weird"? Speaking french when I'm sick? I wonder what on earth that would mean I wanted, or desired...ha ha ha, and if that's not strange, then I don't know what is. But nonetheless, it just makes me laugh that all these completely random things happen...I must have some imagination, huh?

Today's quote of the day, in tribute to Tom Hanks' AFI Lifetime Achievement Award, is from none other than...

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
-Forrest Gump

I am a little happy jumping bean...

Weekend Burnout
What a long ass weekend. Driving...drinking, partying...not all @ the same time, mind you. But nonetheless it was a long weekend. An old friend was down from NYC and we kicked it together w/ some other old friends. It was good to see her again...a little bit of drama, but overall it was cool hanging out. Saturday was spent getting an oil change, car wash, and burning a CD for my drive to San Diego, for one of my girl's grad parties...There was an unfortunate incident in where our girls could not live up to the bet that they were supposed to do this hilarious routine in front of everyone at the part, but the CD wasn't being read by the computer...AIWA's suck ass!!! It was hella fun that day/night...and even though I was the ONLY person who ended up staying over...it was fun. At least me and her got to do a lot of catching up and stuff...Sunday...I slept over in SD, remember? So her friend took me home(Thanks a million, by the way, for real) this morning, and we chatted and chatted the whole way...well actually, I was posing questions and she was entertaining me by answering them. A very cool gal...so I said we should kick it some time, and she agreed...and so I got her number...and definitely look forward to another chance to hang out. Very cool. Went w/ my roomie to his basketball game...it was AFRICA hot in that gym dude. Then went to church after helping another friend of mine move her belongings from one place of residence to another...and then played ball...stupidly w/o eating first...so now I'm hella tired and eating ramen...and I feel like throwing up...blech. I'm surprised my brain and my fingers are even coordinated enough to let me write this darned blog.

Can't teach an old dog new tricks...or unteach old tricks?
I was doing so well not smoking for a while...but lately...I've regressed and picked up the filthy habit again. Well, realizing this, I definitely plan on being more agressive about NOT smoking...but I won't be stupid enough to say I'll NEVER do it again...I don't think I'm that strong yet...but hey, I'm human, and I have my weaknesses...and this lil stick...ooooh, this lil stick so awesome when I light it and breathe it...no...must...fight....the....temptation...aaaaargh...ha ha ha, I feel a lil giddy today...so I'm being dramatic about everything. Seriously though...cutting smoking down to at most 2 times a week....okay? Good

Fading out
If there's one thing I learned from my hangout on Friday and in light of recent events...it sucks to think that friendships...sometimes just fade out. I'm not talking about any of my own personal relationships, but I've noticed others that either are...or already have. And thinking about those certain relationships made me realize that there are times when my own friends thought our friendship was fading out, or I was getting distant, and neglectful. I admit, that I DO get like that sometimes...not because don't want the friendship anymore. I have several circles of close friends and I tend to hang out w/ them in clusters. I'll spend a lot of time w/ a certain friend and not spend time w/ others. Apparently, I not very good about managing my time...so things get a little hairy sometimes. But to those of you who subscribe...this is a forewarning....well not really a warning inasmuch as it is a telling of facts. I MIGHT seem to start to get distant, but that's only because things are getting hectic...and my balancing act is out of control. If ever that should happen...please just say something to me...because my mind just gets frazzled like that...and I apologize in advance. With that said and done...I try my hardest to not let my friendships get distant. This is known by all my close friends because we realize that we do get busy and we have our own things to do a lot of the time, but when we talk it's like a day hasn't passed...that's what I call a friendship.

Goals
Last but not least...Goals...this recent IM conversation:

liljayster78 (11:08:42 PM): so what are you doing right now?
freidaluvsu (11:08:54 PM): writing my goals out
freidaluvsu (11:08:56 PM): how bout you
liljayster78 (11:09:15 PM): writing out your goals?
liljayster78 (11:09:19 PM): wow, that's impressive
liljayster78 (11:09:25 PM): I think I should do that some time
liljayster78 (11:09:33 PM): me, I'm just writing in my blog
liljayster78 (11:09:37 PM): and killing a little time
freidaluvsu (11:09:40 PM): what
freidaluvsu (11:10:18 PM): blog
freidaluvsu (11:10:30 PM): i'm doing this to get focused cuz i lost it
liljayster78 (11:11:11 PM): lost your focus?
liljayster78 (11:11:39 PM): I think my focus could use a little fine tuning. Sheesh.

...got me to thinking about my own goals. Mind you me, these are only short term (duration about 3 months? or something like that)

1. Cut down smoking to @ MOST 2 cigs a week...and eventually 1...then none....
2. Get better damn job...full time, full benefits.
3. Tie up any and all loose ends that may exist in my life...whatever they may be...
sorry....this seems all shady and secretive...but hey, I have the right to filter....
4. At least START my europe scrapbook....start...dammit.
5. Work out 3-4 times a week, consistently...and ere go, lose a few pounds ;)
6. Stop complaining about everything.. :)

K...I'm pooped...g'nite...

"The happy man is not he who seems thus to others, but who seems thus to himself. "
-Publilius Syrus

I am a jungle cat...ready to pounce...

TGIF
Please excuse the last mini mini blog...ha ha ha...I'm a freak. Today is Friday, the best day of the work week...and although it's a lil colder than usual...today still marks the official beginning of summer, the Summer Solstice!!! So get you're bathing suits on...it's time to hit the beach!!! I should be a lot more tired than I am right now, because I was awake til late last night...talking to my lil twin star, but I still woke up early enough, and nonetheless, refreshed and energized. Who knows, maybe I accidently stole energy from my lil twin star...so if you're reading today...I hope you're not too tired ;)

Women are from Venus, men are from Mars
My experiences w/ members of both sides have brought me to the conclusion that that title is misleading. The corrected version should be, "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, some men are from Venus, and some women are from Mars...It's just crazy because you can totally get along w/ one person, whether they're a member of the same sex or opposite, and totally and completely be on a different wavelength with another. So it's cool that both men and women can be from the same planet...because there is a connection. However these people from the other planet...they have absolutely NO CLUE sometimes...not a one. They aren't conscious to what's going on around them, and basically don't know how things work, in a sense. Nonetheless, you are both here on earth with them and you can't change the way they think. You just have to accept them and everything they are...I just wish that they could be a lil more conscious...

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely."
-anonymous

yikes

I am a car driving in lane #4 of the 405...

Left Behind
Last night, after this incredible evening of dinner, catching up on old times, and playing some Taboo w/ my roomies and the girls of the UFFNOS crew, I was overcome w/ this unshakeable sadness as I was walking back to my car in the parking lot after I dropped of my sister and the baby back to her place. I suddenly felt that everyone, EVERYONE, has moved on in some sort of way...except for me. Everyone tells me to be patient, my time is coming...but I started thinking...is it really? Maybe this IS what is planned for me...and am I ready to accept that? Some people are moving away, others are pursuing other things...yet others, WORKING...me, nada...waiting, sitting, dreaming, sitting...SITTING. No, I can NOT accept that..sitting here w/o a stable job, not knowing where I am, worried about paying bills, stressing because I have to borrow money from other people, feeling embarrassed, being so completely unsure about my future...Seeing everyone just pass me by...this is not my bigger picture. Feeling like I'm being held by some invisible chain not allowing me to go with anyone. I'm a year out of school and STILL, I have nothing to show for it. Everyone around me has advice for me...and I've tried it...I swear on my life, I've already done everything that they've been telling me to do...because apparently, they KNOW better. I feel like I'm some freakin sympathy case that people look at and say, "Hey, I know what would help...Maybe you should..." Well, like I've said...I've tried it already... Believe me, I am TRYING... All this...This is NOT what is planned for me. I know it, I feel it. I too will move on...I too I just have to wait for the opening to switch lanes...


"In your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go and sheltered so may thrive and grow."
-Louise Driscoll

I am Hobbes, waiting for Calvin to come home from school...

I FEEL GOOD, NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!!!
Today, I feel refreshed. I don't feel as sick or as in much pain as I have over the past two days. I'm actually at work today...resting all day yesterday really proved to work wonders for me and my poor aging body. Today, we have dinner w/ the UFFNOS crew (United First Floor Neighbors Of Stanford). I'm SOOOO looking forward to it because it'll probably be one of the last times we all get to hang out in this setting for a long time. Some of us are moving on to bigger and better places, but I hope they always remember their first Irvine family...anyway, so I'm gonna go home for lunch today in order to do a lil preparation for this lil soiree...

I have confidence...
I have an interview tomorrow...with "Displays Plus, an engineering company in Anaheim that specializes in the design and manufacture of products and fixtures for various retail enterprises..." Sounds kinda excitin, don't cha think? Well, I'm excited and I'm confident (**gulp**) that I'll make a good impression. Just gotta rememver to stay calm. I would have to admit that recent developments have birthed this newfound confidence. I feel like I can get anything...if I put my mind to it. I know it sounds so boringly cliche, but that's how I feel...so I gotta put myself into this mindset for tomorrow.

My mind is running a lil blank today...unfortunately(for me) fortunately for any subscriber...

"The purpose of education is to replace an empty mind with an open one "
-Malcom Forbes

I am a preregrine falcon that has just flown a hundred miles nonstop...

Burnt out
I definitely think I've been involved in too much over the past few days. I've been doing too much, way too much; work, grad stuff, driving back and forth, partying, etc. And it all culminated in me waking up this morning at 11:45 AM, missing work, and feeling pretty much like a great big piece of doo doo. I always do this to myself...I do a million-and-a-half things and I'm totally running on fumes by day's end. Goodness, you'd think that I'd have learned a thing or two back when I was in school...guess some things never change :) Apparently I'm pretty tired...

Getting to know you...
I visited my little twin star last night and we got into an interesting point of conversation...which basically boiled down to getting to know people's pasts, and being judge. I for one, am probably one of the biggest proponents of trying my best NOT to judge people by what they've done in the past, which is funny because a certain situation I am currently dealing w/ has to deal w/ holding one's past against them. Anyway, so I never hold people's past against them...well almost never...but hey, I'm human, I'm allowed to make mistakes...I never said I was perfect, and if I did, I must've been drunk or something. I don't hold someone's past against them because I, for one thing, try to treat people exaclty as I would want them to treat me...I would hope that people don't hold my past against me...because I think our histories play a very important role in determining who we are. If not for our pasts, the person that stands here today wouldn't be the one standing here. And I think in order to truly get to know someone, you HAVE to know their past. It is what has made them them, truimphs, failures, mistakes, the whole 9 yards. And it's a joke if someone doesn't want to know another person's past...that's just my personal opinion of course, but I think there are some out there in existence who share that same opinion. Because by not wanting to know about someone's past indicates something, that this person either does not want to really get to know you, or they are afraid that they might find out something that they won't like, and judge you for it. True relationships are unconditional...w/o boundaries, w/o judgements...so next time you run into someone who doesn't want to learn about your history...think about it for a sec.

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?' "
-George Bernard Shaw

I am a unfolded t-shirt sitting at the bottom of the pile of unsorted laundry...

Recap
This weekend was awesome, my sister, her old roomies, and a lot of other people I know graduated...so once again to all you Class of 2002, congratulations. I partied pretty hard on Saturday night...I must've had like 15 -20 shots...so indeed, by party's end, I was quite tossed. I saw so many old old faces, and so many new faces that I've never seen before. Even people I used to kick it w/ back in LA were there. And of course...there were girls there...All the drinks I had usually would thrown me for a looper, but I managed to keep my composure until we got back home... I didn't end up sleeping until like 4, but had to get up @ 7 to drive back home to LA to prep things up for a family party. I swear I was still a little messed up when I got up..but thankfully, I got home OK. It's just really difficult to be running so many damn errands when you're pretty hung over. Well, that was my fault...so I dealt w/ it.

Mr. Deeds.
Ever feel like you got like you've already done a million-and-a-half things and still got a million-and-a-half things to do? Well, that's how I've been feeling since this weekend. Graduations are so chaotic, trying to see people for one second while they themselves are looking for their own families who came from all over to celebrate this joyous occasion with them. Hot, stuffy, too many people, I'm glad I only had to go to a couple. But it was fun nonetheless... But what's so crazy is having to run around looking, trying to give them a lei, a gift, a whatever...trying to find parking, then setting up for my family party, running around all day during the party, picking up ice, food, cake, etc. ...pooped me out. But then I get back to the apartment seeing all these things i HAVEN'T done yet, i.e. unfolded laundry, bills, dishes in the sink, etc., because I neglected them while doing all these other graduation-related things. So today, I will make an attempt to get these million-and-a-half things done.

Women...can't live w/o 'em, can't kill 'em
I've run into a couple more women who I am interested in this past weekend. I think I am going completely girl crazy...ha ha ha. But like I was talking about w/ my roomie:

eleventoes810 (10:50:47 AM): as much as i miss the "thrill of the chase" part, i don't think i want to go through dating again
eleventoes810 (10:50:52 AM): i'm over all that shit
liljayster78 (10:51:06 AM): seriously
liljayster78 (10:51:12 AM): I wish I didn't have to date anyone
liljayster78 (10:51:21 AM): I wish I could be w/ one girl already

Maybe that's why I'm so girl crazy...I'm so eager to just find that one girl who keeps me on my toes and "gives me butterflies, and all that stuff. I don't want to be single anymore...or just dating around. I know what I want and I am determined to get it. But enough with the games. This saturday, if the opportunity arises, I WILL ask her for her number. Regardless of how intimidated by her...I mean I've asked like 5 girls for their numbers over the past two weeks or so, and it hasn't been a big deal...I've been semi-interested. But this one, the intimidator, I can't seem to bring myself up to asking her for it...no matter how well we get along....but not anymore... oh wel, I'm crazy....I'm convinced of it...

Late late nite...
I'm still awake...why? Don't ask me...must be something I ate, drank, smoked? Oh well...I only have about 3.5 hours to sleep before I gotta get ready for my lil "sista's" (this is directed to you, my lil twin star) graduation. And I'm still up...hmmm.....

the Fab Five
I hung out w/ the boys today...all of us. It was a little weird sometimes...because we're not all on the same page anymore. Some of us are getting distant while others remain close. Some share everything w/ each other, while some bottle them up. We're brothers for God's sake, and a relationship that has lasted this should not be awkward. No one should be complacent about approaching each other w/ their concerns. We shouldn't be judging each other...because it is no one's right to judge...NO ONE. So I send up this prayer to strengthen each of us to take an initiative and set things right. Too much has happened over the past 6 years...time to grow up.

The single life
I am TRULY enjoying the single life. Circumstance brings about the fact that hey, you haven't found her yet...so don't worry about it. Enjoy yourself and have a little fun. Jay is out to play...but be careful...too much playtime can make you neglect other things. And be careful also that things don't blow up in your face. I mean, I'm having fun...but what I wouldn't give to just date someone, consistently...A meaningful relationship is worth it's weight in gold.

"Where ever you go, there you are..."
-anonymous

I am a flibbertijibbet, a will o the wisp, a clown...

Something in the air
Ahhh...smell the air. Something's differen't...can you smell it? Can you feel it? It's sort-of like this calm that's all around, everywhere. An aura of euphoria can be felt near and far..why? Because for a lot of people...today is their last day of their undergraduate education. No more studying late-night, no more early morning classes, stressin about grades...everything. To all you graduates...CONGRATULATIONS. Welcome to the real world...it's a lot tougher...but hey, if you can get through the college experience, you're ready to take on the world. But, like I said, that's only for SOME of us...to the rest, we're either already graduated, will be someday, or whatever. To you...look at the faces of the graduates...and smile for them :) And CELEBRATE!!!!

Not much to say today...it depends on what happens...

"Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities"
-Sue Ebaugh

I am a high bouncy ball...

Nothing but Smiles
Today, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it's a beautiful day! Ahhh....I woke up in a great mood this morning and I guess that's thanks to the happenings of last night. When you feel this good, there isn't much that can bring you down. I took a shower, while singing of course, and continued to get ready...as I was brushing my teeth, I noticed a semi-large pimple on my face..."OH WELL!!! That's just a shame..." And I laughed it off...so I skipped down the stairs...realized that I forgot my bag, skipped back up, and came back down and headed off to work...bring it on world...I am READY!!!!

Retouching on Ballziness
Let me first of all admit that being ballzy does work. A few days ago, I was ballzy and called those two girls whose numbers I was able to trick them into giving to me...he he he. Anyway, I went to play a lil basketball last night, and on my way...one of them CALLED ME BACK!!! I ROCK!!!! She only called to apologize for not calling me earlier, but she was busy with finals and all...and well, I told her, when you're done, we definitely gotta hang out. So I told her I'd give her another call and there we have it...I am taking a step forward, the ball is rollin...
...that's one for two....so far...

NO FEAR
This is a lil reminder to myself, and to one other person out there who I think is an occasional subscriber. Everyone is afraid...of something. Too often we let this fear prevent us from experiencing awesome things. Who ever looks
to get hurt? No one...it's just one of those things that happen...it's out of our control. But one of the worst things in life that can happen is to look back on the past pondering the "what ifs," life's missed opportunities. Because that's something that can never come again...you only live once... I don't know, maybe I'm trippin, but I doubt it. So face up to all those things you're afraid of, and take a risk...I'll be one of those, among many many others, to catch you and pick you right back up if you were to fall, okay?

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."
-Albert Camus

I am my niece's OTHER double-knotted shoelace...

Just one of those days
Ever have one of those not-so-fresh, got-up-on-the-wrong-side, woke-up-from-a strange-dream, didn't-get-to-eat-breakfast, kind of day? Well, that's today for me...The day has not started out so well...I accidentally turned off my alarm this morning thinking that I was already awake, only to find myself already an-hour-and-a-half late for work!!! Plus my back is STILL hurting, i think the pain has dwindled a bit, but it still hurts like hell. So I get to work late...and remember about the daunting task of a project the gave to me for the next few weeks...and I've accomplished lil to nothing so far. PLUS, I MISSED DONUT DAY THIS MORNING BECAUSE I CAME IN LATE!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

Deep Breath **sigh**

But I look forward to the day, nonetheless, because when you're at the bottom, there's only one way to look...up. Someone's bound to say something to me sooner or later and totally make me smile and change my dismal lil outlook.
So someone....please...make me smile :)

Perspective
Weekly bible study last night brought about the simple conclusion that happiness is all about perspective. Thanks to the help fo C.M.L and T.D.J, I was reminded how grateful I should be for all that I have. We all tend to neglect the fact that we should just be content with having clothes on our backs and food on the table...and everything else is just a blessing. It's all a matter of perspective, wearing the right glasses, if you will. When you have the basics, everything else comes naturally...

Reading Labels
Now that we're talking about simple conclusions, I got into an interesting debate...although it was with myself (I know what you're thinking...shut it) this morning on the simplicities of life. Is it possible that life is is as simple as reading labels? When shopping...reading the labels is probably one of the very important things that, more often than not, are glossed over and neglected. The truly meticulous and wary shopper reads all labels and therefore is a little better off...right? So with life...and I mean all life...and usually, when I say all life...what else can I possibly be talking about other than relationships...and this is friendship, family, and even romance. Do you think that you can avoid messy situations if you just 'read the labels'? I mean, every individual comes w/ a set of labels...which can easily be read through interaction. If you take a second to read these labels...then drama would never insue...right? Ha ha ha...too bad it's not that easy. Sometimes, the labels are blurred, or some other dumb shopper ripped it off...or maybe you're not wearing your glasses, there are times when you don't even understand what the label is trying to tell you(i.e, what the hell is Mono-Sodium-Glutemate?). So that brings me to my conclusion...life can NOT be as easy as reading labels. If it were...I'd be so much better off...but I'm not...he he he...oh well, I thought I had some brilliant analogy for understanding relationships...I guess it's just an analogy then.

"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
-Cesare Pavese

I am my niece's double-knotted shoelace...

The pain party going on in my lower back is still rocking on, but now has
decided to invite my upper back and neck as well. Geez...I feel like one of those human pretzels that gets all crazy contorted...only, I'm not contorting at all, I'm just feeling the pain of what it would feel like IF I was contorting myself...I need to seek some help...HELP!!!

Better left unsaid?
In this paradox we call life, is it imperative that we always say what we feel? Or are some things actually better off left unsaid? From my own personal experience, I have to agree with the latter and I continue to do so today... But just because you feel some way and know that it isn't the right thing to do by saying something about it, it doesn't save you the feelings of torment and loneliness from caging up these thoughts and feelings. It doesn't keep you from wondering, "Why is this HAPPENING to me?" It doesn't prevent you from searching blindly for some solution, some way out...

Nonetheless, you deal with it.... Emotions, feelings, thoughts...all reactions, reactions that we cannot prevent from occuring. I've said time and time again, it's what we DO with these feelings that makes the difference... Yes, yes, I'm always saying "Carpe Diem!!!" Sieze the day!!! But I think we should be more specific in saying that we should..."Sieze the moment!!!" And that moment includes, taking the initiative to do the right thing. Take for example someone who does something that makes you really angry. The natural reaction is...you get angry. There isn't a way to stop from getting angry...it's just your natural reaction to the given situation. However, you can either act on that anger, or not act on it. You can give this someone a big bop on the nose, or you can take a deep breath and let it go...obviously, one decision is better than the other. What you do, is entirely your choice. You can easily sieze the moment and do the WRONG thing...it's still siezing...so next time an opportunity presents itself to you, ready for the taking...think before you sieze.

"Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster."
-Weston H. Agor

I am my mom's old beat up eight-track...

No pain...I wish
I woke up this morning in unbelievable pain...and I couldn't get up...I threw out my back last night...how? I wonder...ha ha ha. Just kidding...I played ball for about 3 hours w/o stretching it out and then I was dumb enough to carry a bunch of stuff out of my car to my apartment in one trip...which probably aggravated the damn thing to the point where I could not even get out of bed this morning...I hate this...this is one of those things that actually make me feel old...

Mystical Powers
Ahh, the power of suggestion. Ever wonder why that is? Well, let's just say that it works...believe you me...it works. Ask, and you shall receive. Seek and ye shall find. you know? Speaking of mystical powers, I was ballzy enough to ask some other girl for her number yesterday. I seem to have gotten into a routine of acquiring numbers and not doing anything with them....that can't be too good...well, I'm just gonna have to resolve that problem soon, now won't I?

It's a small, small world
On an errand at the bank today, I saw this girl that I've always thought of as quite attractive was there...I forgot her hame though...Deion...D-something...whatever. Well, she's still really cute...but I didn't wanna walk up to her and ask her for her name again, because we've met on several occasions...darnit. What a wasted chance at asking her out...oh well, there's other fish in the sea...I guess.

Onto bigger and better things for the day...

I am a feather...

Up all Night
I woke up a lil late today, due to a late night(a very late night) phone call. Another three-hour long conversation w/ my "little twin star." But as always, it was an interesing conversation, otherwise, I would just be blogging about a late night phone call that lasted about 5 minutes or so. I love looking into the lives of other people, so long as they're willing to share. I love sharing, as I've said before...growing with other people is one of those things about life that I find so endearing. And of course, with growing comes learning...and what is life?

...Learning, experience, growth...

So twin star...thanks for keeping my brainwaves active so long, and helping me, grow...he he he. Anyway, so I wake up, ready for a breeze to pick me up and carry me into whatever adventure lies ahead of me. I'm ready for the road that lies ahead for today...

You say toe-may-toe, I say toh-mah-toe
It's amazing how big the spectrum is on how we each view things. Take for example, exercise...You can have two extremes...one will think that working out is the way, the truth, and the life...and a day without working out would be sacrilege. "My body is my temple and I will uphold and maintain that temple and be in good shape, dadadadadadada." Then you have the other extremist..."Why should I work out at all? I don't have to. I should be happy w/ the body I've been given and I don't need to impress other people. I'm happy just the way I am." But I feel that there needs to be a balance between the two...a middle-ground, if you will...someone who can say, "Yes, my body is indeed a temple...but I only need to work out to be healthy and feel good about myself. I need to take care of myself" Find the happy medium people...

And furthermore...I personally feel that it is not right to judge people based YOU think. It is not any person's place to Judge another except one alone...yes...God. And to me, that's the bottom line. Don't worry about what they're doing or that they have fun doing certain things. We're supposed to except everyone we care for and love for EVERYTHING they are...the lil quirks, habits, everything. I know I'm guilty sometimes of being a lil judgemental too, but hey, I can own up to that and know that I shoudn't be...so who is it that wants to cast the first stone?

"A" for EFFORT?
I was ballzy but to no avail last night. But hey, I WAS ballzy. SO THERE. And I was ballzy in more than in just one affair...hmmm, what could I POSSIBLY be talking about? But as I've learned from a dear friend...I cannot stop people from reading these excerpts from my mind and sharing my thoughts and feelings...so be forwarned that this is in not an avenue to get to know me better or to see deeper into my heart and soul my actual thoughts and feelings behind these pixels you see before you...Like I said earlier, these are my thoughts and feelings, but only AT THE MOMENT at which they're recorded. And I do give a little bit of insight on some of my lil philosophies...but that's only one tiny lil piece of the puzzle. The day is twenty-four hours long...and I spend what...like 20 minutes trying to capture the whole day in a blog? That just isn't possible...So feel free to share in my experiences, but don't think you're learning about the REAL Jay from reading my lil jotted thoughts, because no one, NO one really knows the REAL Jay, except maybe for the man above...I'm not trying to sound all mysterious and shit either...it's the truth and let the truth be told. I feel as though I am a new man, ready to take on the world...READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!!! ha ha ha. (dude, have I done this before?)

Aches and pains
I'm so sore...i don't know why....I haven't really been lifting weights, and doing nothing else too strenuous...maybe it's the way I sleep...but it was hurting before that. Hmmm....I'm gonna have to seek the counsel of a good masseuse.

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."
-Marcus Aurelius (121-180)

I am a victim of a green-eyed monster bite...

Tsk tsk tsk
I've been guilty of doing the big no-no and comparing myself to others. It's so funny because I hate jealousy...yet here I am, being envious. Hey, I'm human, I'm not perfect...so I'm jealous, okay? But what am I jealous of? I'm jealous of the stability and security that everyone else around me has. They all have somewhat stable jobs...or are going to school...dadadadda. Some
have things I wish I had...not material posessions...just...THINGS. Anyway, I'm jealous of the way they feel...in a sense...but I know this is only a feeling and as with all feelings...it'll pass...

A Look in the Mirror...
I've got to admit that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...about my life, where I am, what I've been doing, and where I am headed. The first thought for all three of these things was, "I have no clue." And naturally, the heart starts to race, the mind spins, and I freak out...which lasts about 5-10 minutes. Then, after I settle down and easy my nerves...I slowly answer my own questions...

1) Where am I?
At this particular stage of my life, I realize now that I am in a sort of prepping stage for the next chapter of my life. I'm in the hallway, waiting for the door to open into my next journey. So, things would generally be up in the air, and it would be completely normal to feel as if I was freefalling, not knowing what was going to happen next...the sort-of calm-before-the-storm feeling, so I just have to be patient...and keep praying for patience when I feel like it's running thin...

2) What have I been doing?
When I came to this question, I didn't really know now to answer it. All my life? Last year? Or recently? Well, I came to the conclusion, that at this stage of my life...I would need to answer it in terms related to the first question. If I am in a prepping stage of my life, then the question now becomes...what have I been doing to help prepare myself for the door that opens. And the question is a bit easier to answer. Well, in PREPARATION for the door to open, I guess I've been doing all I can so that when the door is finally opened, I can open it confidently and be ready for the challenges ahead. I am trying to gain a better understanding of what it is to be an adult and to slowly have that umbellical cord cut away from my parents. To learn responsibility for everything I say, do, and have. And probably most importantly, just to learn patience...and everything patience entails...

3) Where am I going?
Ooooh...this has to be the toughest one...because I don't know the answer to it. That all depends on questions 1 and 2...which door opens up, and how ready will I be when that door opens. I know where I WANT to go...and hopefully that plays a part in the next stage of my life. When the day comes to and end...I want to come home from a job doing what I enjoy...to a happy wife and kids. They will be happy because I never spend too much time at work, and because I never bring it home. And I always make it a point that family comes first...How far ahead this is...I would say, pretty far into the distant future. It's not even a blip on the radar yet...well see what the man in the mirror looks like 5 years from now...

Gonna be "ballzy" and actually make the call tonight...

Life's Tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late.
-Benjamin Franklin

I am a 160 lb slug...

Ever open your eyes in the morning and not even feel like moving? The ultimate laziness has overcome...I was even too lazy to open my eyes this morning. I kept fighting off the snooze, wailing my arms about like a freak for about an hour and a half before I actually got up. Sometimes it feels so good to just lie there in bed and count your blessings...and I don't think we do that enough.

Deed for the day
I was always told we should try to do at least one good deed a day...not out of necessity, but out of your heart...so I decided, after a lot of convincing by a coworker of mine, who shall remain nameless(**cough** Cindy **cough**), to donate blood. I went, even though I'm terrified of needles...and more...blood! At least I have made a contribution that could possibly save someone's life. I am a bit light-headed...but hey, it'll pass...right? A small consequence in light of a bigger...a much bigger picture.

Speaking of good deeds...well, not really good deeds...anyway. I want to finish up my grad gift for the graduating seniors...my lil sister being one of them. The thing that really bites the big one is that I'm freakin flat broke. Well, hopefully, they like this gift...it's the thought...and I thought long and hard for this one..

Thought of the day
Why do people get so irked when someone quotes someone else, or teaches a lesson they've learned to another person. Isn't learning and knowledge all about sharing? If I learn something I deem to have some value or significance in my life, then would it not be absolutely ABSURD to want to share it w/ those in my life I care about? And when I'm unsure how to say something...why not use the words of someone who DOES now how to say that something...which is why we quote others. Strength in communication comes from reference when unsure...

Everywhere I go I find a poet has been there before me.
-Freud, Sigmund

I am a car in need of an oil change and tire rotation...

A lil Run-down
Last night as I tried my 2.5 mile run for the fourth time in 8 days...this time, w/ good ol' Glenn...and we started talking about feeling run down. He said he needed some new wheels...I think he was speaking figuratively, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was speaking in the literal as well...he he he. If there's anything that sucks about getting older...it's the inevitable wearing down of one's body. Yes, you can stay in shape and yes, you can even get stronger as you get older...but that strength peaks and naturally, our bones and bodies slowly wear down...I'm not trying to get all depressive and say that we're withering like flowers...just that as we gain wisdom, our bodies get a lil weaker...but that's okay. I'd take wisdom over strength any day...strength of the mind to me has more worth...

The Glass-half empty or half full?
The Glass is half empty. You already know you're day is gonna turn out not-so-dandy when the first thought that runs through your head as you open your eyes is..."OH SHIT!!!!" I began the day waking up freaking out because I forgot to turn in the rent last night...AND I woke up an hour later than I had intended...things going not so well on this lil planet so far. So I quickly get ready and gather my things...skip breakfast...and run downstairs and throw my stuff into my car...get my checkbook and run into the leasing office. There I run into Chris Heinrich(spelling?), the current manager of San Remo Villa and think to myself...here comes a lecture and a $50 fine for being late. First thing he says? "Good Morning!" with a smile...and I think, hey...cool. So I tell him I forgot to turn in the rent check last night and he responds, "Let's pretend I wasn't here this morning and the rent was already here when I got in..." He let me off...THANK GOODNESS!!! The glass...is half full, no..it's totally full...so now, things have been good so far... The glass is never half empty...because there's always someone that'll come and refill it for you...

To be or not to be...ballzy that is...
So supposedly I'm not ballzy...and that's quoting a friend...HA...ha...was she right? Do I lack the necessary..."genetalia" to seize the moment? No...I've done a lot of things in my life that have required "being ballzy." I have stepped way out of my comfort zone and done things I think the majority of people I know would not even dare to do...And recent events would also bring about the conclusion that I am infact "ballzy." Maybe I'm just not being "ballzy" enough. Perhaps that's it...it's the level of "ballzy-ness" that needs improvement. I need to reach the next level...ha ha ha So, today's resolution? "Grab a spoon" wherever and whenever the moment arises...

The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.
-Dickinson, Emily

I am the little tea pot...really really short...and stout...all steamed up...

Family ties
Is it just me, or am I the Bane of my parents' existence? Am I the thorn in their side that just refuses to go away? I just got off the phone w/ mom and we got into a lil tiff...again. And what about? The usual...she got mad that I didn't want to ask for her and pop's help. And I got mad cuz I feel like I'm always burdening them w/ my issues. It's weird because I know we're close and I tell them practically everything, but I think there's this innate force that just causes me to get moody when I'm reacting with them...someone raise their hand if the same thing happens to them. Is it just because I take my family and all they've done for me for granted? Because I'd like to think that I am truly grateful for everything they've given me, because I would not be the man that stands, errr...writes, before you today if it wasn't for their selfless and neverending sacrifices. I love them so much, so much it hurts my heart knowing that they won't ever stop helping me, so I guess I get impatient and moody because I don't want them to see me fail. I want to prove to them that all they've done, all they've sacrificed, hasn't gone in vain. That it has all helped to make up this wonderful person that just reflects their work and their own personalities. For once, I just want to be completely okay on my own and be the one who's helping THEM out and not vice versa...I want to be the one sacrificing, they've had their turn and now it should be mine...and what's worse is that I feel powerless to change this situation...and I KNOW that I just have to be patient...but sometimes, I guess it just runs a lil thin...which seems to be the case at this particular moment in time...so today, I start making a conscious effort not to be such a lil prick to my fam...and start showing them how truly grateful I am....

I am an Energizer "AAA" battery fresh out of the pack...

I feel so energetic this morning....What a weekend it was...full of new people, GREAT company, a movie, lunch, and LOTS of dancing. It felt like a three day weekend, and I didn't even have to do any chore-like, attend-to-business type of activities...just purely, have-a-good-time, enjoy-yourself, kick-it-with-friends, take-a-load-off, kind of things...
I really enjoyed this weekend...

Yes, I attended two banquets this weekend and danced my tiny lil butt off at both of them...I havent' danced so much in a long time...ahhh....dancing....I'd have to say that dancing is truly one of those times when I'm not thinking about anything other than the task at hand...no worries, just listening to that beat and gettin my groove on...it's very therapeutic, you should try it when you're home alone, cleaning your place up, or while you're getting ready...let it free your mind and just...dance...DANCE I SAY!!!

Dreams
dream (dreem) n -images or ideas occuring in the mind during sleep
So the never-ending debate about dreams continues...
I have been having the most incredibly weird dreams lately...why? I have not a single clue, but weird they are...trust me. I've had a few conversations w/ friends of mine on deciphering dreams...some think that they are signs telling us something that we want to happen, others think they are like lil prophecies into our lives(how, I can't imagine), and yet others(with whom I concur) believe that they are random thoughts passing through your head and are therefore incorporated into our dreams...Yet we try and try and TRY to decipher these middle-of-the-night, brain-is-at-rest, we-shouldn't-be-worring-about-it, geez-get-some-rest-already occurences! It's funny, because we'll never know, dreams are dreams...get over it...worry about something else...like romance issues...ha ha ha!!!

Speaking of dreams...I ran across one of my favorite poems the other day...
Dreams
-Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when Dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

I was stressin out the other day when ran accross the poem book that I put together during my poetry class from college...it really settled me down and kept me looking forward and not back....

Important yet not-so-important matters
Okay, money hasn't really ever been one of my life's main priorities...I never really had much to begin with, and I always spend what I make, and sometimes more. I have never made my life's goal to make a whole lot of $$$ and retire by the time I'm 30 years old. Granted, it would make life a whole lot easier if I had money...one less trivial matter to worry about, right? Lately, such seems NOT to be the case...money is in fact very important...b/c you can't seem to get by w/o it. It's ridiculous,heart-breaking, and at the same time nauseating how money does in fact make the world go round...what kind of world have we created? One where "debt is good" and where you cannot survive w/o credit...some world. Apparently this is a mini-b*tching session about me not having money and dealing w/ it...but hey, I'm free to let out my thoughts...